We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.