“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.