when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
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OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it