Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I don’t think my car can fly
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt