“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
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Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Beware of fowl play.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven