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Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Banking tips
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.