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Dyslexics are teople poo!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free