romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
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Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
i wish we could shoplift online
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.