Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
pls suprot
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
This could be us but you eatin’
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.