[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*