Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Damn he played himself
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said