me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
You Might Also Like
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Livid.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Raisins are grape jerky.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-