I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Venn