Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
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*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
A completely valid reaction tbh
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.