I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
✌️
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good