[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Brother?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Think I pulled my liver
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”