I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Every haunted house movie:
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Ah yes. The three genders
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.