“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
You Might Also Like
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now