It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
We’ve come full circle
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
When he asks for feet pics
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”