In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.