Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
adam and eve had first world problems
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.