“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome