I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
You Might Also Like
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“you recording!?”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..