I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.