6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
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9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Carpe DM
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
When I can’t barge, I careen.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too