If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
There’s always that one guy
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen