Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
You Might Also Like
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Why does laundry happen to good people?