So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.