“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
X-tra spooky blend
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I want to meet the individual who made this
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
It was worth a shot 😂
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.