I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
You Might Also Like
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
This rocks
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE