Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
You Might Also Like
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
i’m sure it’s fine
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
S M O L
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”