Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.