Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
2022 will be better than 2021
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.