i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend