ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
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Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.