Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
my dad has had enough
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.