“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!