Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
#Caturday
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses