Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Seems a bit forward
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.