Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
🤔😂😂
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.