Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
You Might Also Like
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.