You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
@ candidates for local office
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Is fructose made with real fruct?