My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.