zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
don’t we all
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it