A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
You Might Also Like
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
What personal space?
My dog
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.