Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps