I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
You Might Also Like
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When I laugh on my period
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I think about this a lot
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*