my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.