Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat