I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
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You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you